When the Music Dies Down
by shortie is back
Summary: He never loved Justin; all he'd ever loved was his violin


**Disclaimer: **Cowlip and Showtime own. Oh man, do they _own._

**Alex's Note: **I am a huge Brian/Justin shipper and I am not an Ethan fan. However, it always bothered me that Ethan said he loved Justin up until the very end of their relationship, yet we never see him again after Justin leaves his apartment. So this is a gapfiller, I guess. 

Also, any misinformation about Brian or Brian and Justin's relationship is intentional. It's all Ethan's speculation.

First fic in this fandom…a little nervous.

                                       **When the Music Dies Down**

Some days Ethan almost enjoys the walk home. Pittsburgh still fascinates him in the way that he is never quite sure what to expect to see. He is voyeuristic that way; when all that matters in his life is far away or tucked safely into the case swinging by his side, he immerses himself in other people's lives, or at least what bits he can catch from snippets of conversation. 

Other days he curses the fact that peddling his music hasn't earned him enough to buy a car. Those are the days when the walks home are long and tedious, the cold wind biting at his exposed flesh and chilling him to the bone. His muscles, feet, and pride ache from a long day of standing and giving away his music to the unworthy people of Pittsburgh as though it were free balloons at a carnival. He feels a pang every time someone drops a dollar into his case, knowing that his music should cost at least seventy dollars a seat in the most prestigious of theatres. He trudges home, bitter, as Justin's ex's words play over and over in his head. He knows he isn't doing anything noble and he's still poor.

The only thing that gets him through those days is the knowledge that at the end there is a lukewarm, cramped shower waiting to attempt to soothe his aches with its pathetic pressure that trickles down on him, and a blond boy who can hardly be described as lukewarm and does more for his pains than the shower ever could. They can't fuck easily in the shower without the spigot painfully getting in the way with every thrust, which they both wish could be harder and deeper. They both know that there isn't enough room for that. But just having Justin there, pressed up close against him in the constricted space is more than enough, Justin's wet skin pressed against his own is more than enough, Justin's fingers running through his drenched hair is more than enough. They find enough room to share hand jobs. And that makes every dreary moment of his days worth it.

Ethan wonders, sometimes, how he got so lucky. He knows he's less than shit  when compared to Justin's ex, who is a big shot, gorgeous, rich… the man who has everything. _Had _everything, because now Ethan has Justin and despite what Kinney told him, Ethan knows he wants his blond boy toy back. Winning is a nice thing- especially when his competitor is the eighth wonder of the gay world. 

As much as he loves Justin, there are some things that irk him… mostly habits derived from his days as Mrs. Brian Kinney. Like the way that he glances at their sad shower and men who are tall, thin, and brunette almost longingly until he catches Ethan's look and kisses him, reminding him how much he loves him. Then there's Justin's internal clock which always makes him hesitate when 2:45 AM rolls around and Ethan has to persuade him to fuck after the little hand reaches the three. But he can live with these things, because he knows that it's hard getting over a first love and he has won.

~~~

One night the balance falters. Justin wants to go out, to fuck, whatever. Ethan wants to practice. Justin eventually storms out and Ethan knows that he probably went to Babylon. The thought of his boyfriend getting tweaked and sweaty while other men ogle and grope at him is enough to make him mess up his Bach and curse Justin for making such a wreck out of him. Eventually he gets back into the music and lets it engulfs him. He finishes the piece with flourish, sweaty and out of breath. He hasn't played that well without Justin there since before he met him; he still has it. He realizes that maybe Justin doesn't mean as much to Ethan as he wishes he did. No matter what, his music will always come first.

He pretends to be asleep when Justin crawls into bed at- damn his internal clock- three o'clock in the morning. His nose twitches when he smells sex and alcohol on his lover, but he doesn't say anything. And when Justin places a cold hand on his now exposed cock, Ethan pushes it off. He wasn't in the mood in the first place.

~~~

After that night Ethan has no problem throwing himself into his music and into new representation; whatever helps him to get ahead. He convinces himself that there is nothing wrong with his and Justin's relationship. He pretends not to see the crestfallen look on his boyfriend's face when he is introduced as Ethan's cousin. He pretends not to notice that Justin smiles less, laughs less, and draws less. Or that the crazy lady from the diner that Justin works at- and insists that Ethan frequents- is calling him 'Sunshine' less and less often. 

He can't ignore it, though, when Justin queens out for his one mistake. Ethan has never seen anyone overreact more over something than when he watched Justin's bloody hands tearing at the roses, tearing at Ethan's heart. He knows he's done wrong, but he can't seem to accept the full blame. After all, Ethan was the man on the side for the last months of Justin's liaison with the hot shot ad man and neither Ethan or Brian- or so Ethan assumes- acted like such a melodramatic princess. He brings up Brian- Justin never seemed to mind _Brian _cheating on him, but then again, he was _Brian Fucking Kinney_. Justin gives him a bullshit answer and leaves, probably to seek refuge with Brian, or the crazy lady from the diner, or, more likely, Daphne. Ethan has never liked her.

Justin leaves and Ethan picks up his violin. He plays, fueled by his sudden emotional distress. The sounds coming from his instrument have more feeling than he's ever remembered hearing before, and, what do you know, it's thanks to Justin: his muse. The thought disturbs him a bit; it's like the ghost of Justin's presence is sitting naked on the bed, taunting him because Kinney is there too and looking at Ethan in that fucking superior way he has- like Ethan is privileged to have him invade his imagination. 

~~~

He never goes after Justin, even though he wants to. There's a strange void now that not even his music can seem to fill, but he doesn't even know what he would say to Justin. Ethan remembers Justin telling him once that sorry is bullshit. He isn't sure where Justin heard that from, but it's enough to tell him that Justin won't even consider his apology. Besides, he still cares about Justin and does want him to be happy. If his idea of happiness is living in a fucking million dollar loft with pretty things and a slowly aging boyfriend, so be it. One day Ethan would be a success, too- and a concert violinist is a much more honest position than an ad exec. He'd be rich, too- richer than Brian, even- and Justin would come running back when he realized that Ethan could give him everything Brian could and more. Everything- love, promises, and the materialistic luxuries that Justin is obviously using Brian for. But for now, Ethan is lonely. He wonders whether Justin would see Brian's murder as a selfless act of love or not. He decides on the latter.

~~~

Ethan hears things though the PIFA grapevine. Artsy people are always interested in other people's business, so he has no problem finding out what's going on in Justin's life. Justin is moving up in the world; he has an internship at Vanguard. With Brian. This doesn't surprise him much, even though he also heard that Brian's dick hasn't found it's way back to Justin's ass yet. Ethan knows it's only a matter of time. Justin is a glutton for punishment and Brian likes the power he has over Justin. Not to mention, guaranteed blond boy ass. 

Ethan grimaces at the thought of Brian's long fingers on Justin's skin, running through soft, floppy, blond hair that curls a little at the end at the first sign of sweat. He hates the idea of that manipulative bastard- no matter how beautiful he is- hurting Justin again and adding salt to wounds Ethan deeply regrets ever reopening. He wonders how much more Justin can take before he crumbles. Because Justin's strong- he has to be after everything he's been through- but everyone has their breaking point. And when Justin finally falls, Ethan knows he is going to fall hard.

~~~

The gay part of the PIFA grapevine lets Ethan know that there has been no change on the Brian/Justin front nearly a month later. This satisfies him until he finds out that Justin has been heavily tricking- doing ten or more guys a night in the back room of Babylon. Ethan is disgusted. He hates the idea of tricking, absolutely hates it. Of course he's had a fair share of one night stands to keep him sane, but that's what it should be; a night with faces and names and passion, not a quick fuck in the skeevy, cum encrusted backroom of a club.

~~~

Ethan has to convince himself that just because he may happen to go to the diner and Woody's more than he used to in hopes of seeing Justin does not make him a stalker. He's simply making sure that Justin's doing alright because he _does _still care. Justin looks like he's more than alright; he's fucking glowing. Ethan sees him through the window of the Liberty Diner on a sunny day nearly two months after their breakup. Justin is talking animatedly to his friends- the short one that he works on _Rage _with and the tall, flamboyant guy. His blue eyes are sparkling and he has on a huge fucking smile which lights up the entire diner. Ethan can't remember seeing Justin so happy since…well, since forever.

Someone new joins the group in the booth, drapes an arm around Justin and kisses him like only Ethan should be allowed to. His heart stops when he sees who it is: Kinney. He doesn't realize he's holding his breath and comes very close to passing out on the goddamn sidewalk. Angrily, he decides they deserve each other, the schmucks, and goes home to practice. His agent called today, he's leaving to tour with the Pittsburgh Symphony in two months.

~~~

Kinney loses his job and takes Justin down with him. This time he doesn't even need the PIFA grapevine. All of gay Pittsburgh knows what happened and is quick to divulge any gossip about King Kinney. Justin is often mentioned, only he's referred to as Brian's twink, which bothers Ethan since anyone who's ever met him knows that Justin is so much more than a twink. He doesn't quite get why Kinney was fired. He knows it had to do with Chief Stockwell, but he doesn't follow politics enough to understand what's going on.

He practices in his favorite place in the dingy apartment and the sun shines through the large window to match his mood. Ethan is ecstatic. Now that Brian can't buy Justin pretty things and win him over with his money, he has no doubt that Justin will be back within days.

~~~

A month and a half later, Ethan thinks he may have been wrong. 

He hasn't stopped hoping or waiting, though. He still thinks that every person who drops a dollar into his case is Justin, every knock on the door is Justin and not his asshole neighbors, and every time the phone rings, it's Justin on the other end. It never is. 

~~~

The last time Ethan sees him he doesn't even see his face, only the back of his head as he sucks Brian off in a back alley. Justin is on his knees, blond head bobbing rhythmically in Brian's lap as his fingers tangle in that beautiful hair. Ethan is just about to go when Kinney suddenly makes eye contact with him and smirks just before he comes, saying Justin's name loud enough for only Justin- and Ethan- to hear. He pulls Justin to his feet and kisses him deeply without ever looking away from Ethan. Justin melts bonelessly into Kinney's arms and Ethan finally heads for home, feeling, surprisingly, nothing at all. He's leaving tomorrow to tour the world and astound audiences everywhere with his incredible talent. He  never _really _loved Justin anyway; Justin was just a nice piece of ass and a distraction from real life, just as Ethan was Justin's distraction from Brian. And for Justin's sake, he hopes they are in love. Because he still cares about him and Justin does deserve to get what he dreams for.

As for Ethan, all he'd ever loved was his violin.


End file.
